All the good ones are taken...

Dear internet,

I haven't posted in a while because I've been working on an epic failure for the past few weeks. This is going to be a long one. Here we go.

I am currently dancing in a show downtown. I use the term "dancing" loosely. I mostly walk to tempo. In any case, I started the show late and had to put in extra rehearsals to get caught up. I was to meet with the choreographer outside of rehearsal time for one-on-one sessions so I didn't show up not knowing anything and pissing everyone off.

On my first day with the show, I walk into the studio and am greeted by the choreographer, a short, dancer-type woman in a lot of layers and jazz pants and the dance captain, a tall, lean dancer in baggy sweatpants, over-sized wool socks and a hilarious graphic T. Let's call this guy Cam. I learn early on that Cam is there to be my "girl" in all the partnered choreography. I know I am in trouble as soon as we start the first tango.

I can't help but be a little attracted to how confident he is. From what I've noticed, when a guy is a little effeminate, they tend to apologize for their behavior by either putting on the gayest show they can perform or lack confidence all together. Not Cam. He knows who he is and if you don't like it, you can go fuck yourself. I was smitten.

In the rehearsals that followed, we started to connect. Not only would we sit together during the extensive notes sessions we received daily, but we would take breaks together, doing adorable things like read classic novels in the lobby together, while everyone else went for food. At one point, after receiving direction to not hold hands with our partner during a particular scene in the show, Cam expressed his dislike for the idea by holding my hand. For a solid two minutes. In front of everyone.

Now, maybe I was being pathetic and my wishful thinking combined with an overactive imagination distorted what might be innocent friendliness into steady flirtation, but I kinda fell for it.

Hard.

I learned from a friend, who is also in the show, that Cam was seeing someone and though it's not too serious, another guy exists. So, I did what any awkward guy in this situation would do, and brought it up to Cam. He pretended to not hear the part about his boyfriend and quickly changed the subject.

It starts to get weird.

My birthday arrives and I have to spend it in rehearsal. Though Cam occupies most of my time, I have managed to make other friends and coerced them into taking me out. It became a bit of an event and people were pretty excited for an excuse to be with each other outside the stress and sweat of rehearsal. Cam doesn't show for my party and the next day pretends that he had no idea that it was my birthday (though the cast sang the birthday song to me in three part harmony...it was beautiful).

I kinda get the message. I saw the movie. He's just not that into me!

Because I'm so mature and emotionally stable, I totally ignore him for a day. This, of course, drives him fucking nuts and I can tell he's dying for my attention. I finally give the poor guy a break and start a really nonchalant conversation about the weather or kittens or something, when another cast member says, "Oh, thank God. Cam was bitching all night about how you've been ignoring him."

WHAT!?

Only someone with romantic feelings would care, right?

RIGHT!!??

As the days go on, the flirting turns to hot touching and even spooning on a prop bed (much to the chagrin of the stage manager). He even takes me (and only me) out for dinner where we talk and connect like soul mates.

Then comes the breaking point.

He says to me in a casual way, "Why aren't we dating?" To which I respond, "Because you have a boyfriend."  Without hesitation he says, "Well that can easily be taken care of."

At this point I've had enough. History tells me that I am about to fall into crazy love with Cam and start thinking about our grandchildren. I can't let this happen. So I decide to just nip this critter in the bud before I start carving his name in my arm and smelling his soiled socks.

To shorten this already too long post, I'll simply finish in bullet points.

- I tell Cam that the flirting should probably stop because I have a tendency to get hurt in these situations.
- He apologizes and then gives me an oh-so-friendly reminder of his boyfriend who he is in love with and would never hurt.
- To make me feel better about myself he offers, "If I wasn't seeing someone, I'd be all over you."
- I'm like....you were! Piece of shit.
- Now things are awkward and I have no one to cuddle backstage (except that weird girl who thinks she's a gay man and touches us inappropriately).

I hope I did the right thing by ending my suffering quickly. I know honesty is the best policy but I feel like I've just been broken up with. Why am I crazy?

One day I hope someone is as into me and I am them.