Oh Internet, what am I to do?
I just discovered (well, I didn't discover anything...my doctor did) that I have a gluten intolerance.
That shouldn't be a thing! Do you know what foods contain gluten? ALL OF THE FOODS. Well, anything that's not the consistency of BRICK!! I hate my life right now.
I do get to eat a lot of salad. So...that's a plus.
Like...SO MUCH SALAD.
I give rabbits a run for their money. Rabbits look at me and say, "That man is eating A LOT of salad."
What really kills me is that living gluten-free has become a bit of a fad. WHY IS THIS A FAD!? Why do people hate themselves? High School Musical? I can see why this is a fad. Everyone loves a little Zefron in their lives. Rubber boots? Who doesn't LOVE dry feet? Gluten-free diet? KILL YOURSELVES!!
Not only is a gluten-free diet inconvenient and disgusting, it's also expensive. A loaf of gluten-free BRICK-FLAVOURED bread is twice as much as a delicious Dempster's whole wheat loaf (not to mention half the size). My gluten-free breakfast flakes (this is ACTUALLY what they're called) are SEVEN DOLLARS!
I have friends who simply love their new gluten-free lives. Amy, for instance, celebrates how many chickpeas she eats every day. She just loves chickpeas! CHICKPEAS TASTE LIKE FART! I don't want chickpea flour. Chickpea flower should be exiled. I don't want to add chickpeas to my salad for extra fiber and protein. I want a goddamn chicken sandwich covered in wheat!
I have noticed that I am getting fewer to zero canker sores and that pesky rash has cleared up. Not to mention the fact that I have a totally clear head, better memory and problem solving capabilities... Huh... My hair is thicker, my skin is glowing...I feel awesome...so much energy!
FUCK YOU GLUTEN! You may be delicious but you should BURN IN HELL!
More people should get on the gluten-free bandwagon. There should be more gluten-free options in restaurants (especially Wendy's...its embarrassing having to bring your own bun). The inconvenience, cost and taste aside, I have actually noticed a huge difference in my life in a short amount of time. I have a lot more energy and I don't feel so sluggish and apathetic anymore. I have a clear head and no toilet issues! YAY ME!
Anyway, I realize this post has nothing to do with being awkward or gay...well...maybe awkward. I am really bad at living life like a normal person who can digest gluten without breaking out in hives and shitting blood, so there's always that.
God bless!
