Porn guy.

This particular story takes place about a month ago.

I will start off by saying, I have really beautiful friends. I know a lot of people think they are the "ugly friend" when in reality, they're just as good looking as their friends and they're just crazy and have low self-esteem and cry themselves to sleep.

This isn't the case with me. My friends are kinda ridiculous. They're so good-looking that people have to do a double-take because its a little overwhelming having that many beautiful people collide with your life all at once. I'm not saying I am ugly, but I am the ugly friend in this scenario. Don't try to make me feel better, I've dealt with it. I'm fine.

On one of our outings (usually to a bar in the Village) one of my friends (not really THAT beautiful and he's not really a friend) announces that his horrible and socially awkward roommate will be joining us. He invited Awkwardo because he felt bad that no one likes him and he had no plans for the weekend. We collectively sighed and resigned ourselves to play host to someone who would probably cramp our style (more than I usually do - you just can't have more than one awkward gay in your group before everyone is awkward and sexless).

Suddenly, in the middle of a conversation about something beautiful gay people talk about (and I listen to), the door to the bar opens. I'm pretty sure his entrance happens in slow motion to a sick beat and through a cloud of smoke, but even if it didn't, the effect was the same. Soon, we are all introduced to the awkward roommate, Dan, who isn't awkward at all but rather one of the cutest, nicest, most charming men I've ever met.

As the night progresses, we end up at the not-as-beautiful, not-really-a-friend's apartment. It's the end of the night and time for people to pair off. It's the usual pairs, so there's no drama. Because I live out of town, my friends share the duty of letting me sleep on their couches and this night I am to stay with not-as-beautiful and now, his just-as-beautiful roommate, Dan.

Here's where the story gets interesting.

As everyone is leaving, in pairs, Dan says, "Too bad I don't have anyone to cuddle with tonight." I am clearly the only other person not in a pair. Do I get the message? Not yet.

It get's better.

After everyone leaves, Dan and I are left alone in the living room. Without anything to really talk about, I comment on his amazing 5601 inch plasma flat screen. He responds with, "Have you ever watched porn on  a big screen and in high definition?"

I hadn't.

He let's me choose the DVD. It's something about cowboys or guys in jeans or something. In any case, we watch two hours of gay guys pretending to be straight guys who like to have sex with other gay guys pretending to be straight guys. It might as well have been Titanic. Dan and I literally WATCH the porn. Sitting next to each other, innocent as lambs. Then go to bed. Separately.

I realize now that he was dropping enough hints that Helen Keller could have seen the signs and had the night of her life, but me, being the most awkward gay on the planet, slept peacefully on the couch with images of straight gay guys in tight jeans running through my head. In high definition.